“Dear, Asshead” wasn’t an appropriate title/opening, but either way, you get the gist; I decided to write a letter to my abuser to get some stuff off my chest.  I’m learning that stuff like this is very important for my healing.  Fingers crossed.

 

Dear, Abuser.

It’s now been 10 years since I escaped and 7 years since I last saw you in person, but I still remember every single detail about you.   remember all of your facial features, your mannerisms, your lisp, the sound of your voice; in an instant, I can recall exactly what your voice sounds like.  To me, it’s like a curse, I’m cursed with never being able to forget you and forget what you look like, what your hands feel like around my throat – I just cannot forget any part of you, both the good and the bad.

Although you were never convicted of the abuse you unleashed on me, and you’ve never admitted what you’ve done, I truly believe you know what you did was wrong and just how wrong it was.  It does sadden me that you were never convicted and never served any time for what you did to me because it just means you’re free to do it to someone else, but in the same breath, you’ve chosen to live a sad and pitiful life of crime by taking advantage of others, which you do actually serve time for, so in a sense, that’s a little bit of a relief because that’s less of a chance that you’re out abusing someone else.  Your choices, both past and present, anger and sadden me because you could be a better person, there are so many parts of you that aren’t completely evil, but you still choose to be a shithead.

I’m still figuring out what it means to forgive you; it’s been a long and tough process, and I still don’t know which direction I’m going in.  The night terrors, anxiety, health issues, depression, and irrational fears that I now suffer from, make it really difficult to forgive you.

I’m thankful that this entire experience has shown me just how strong I really am and has also shown me what I’m worth.  I’ve lost many many friends because of you, but I’ve also grown much closer to my family because of it.  Because of your abuse, I’ve been able to see the best parts of being alive, and feeling what real love truly feels like from my husband and my family.  I have found bliss.  Your actions and choices will forever prevent you from ever feeling true love and true happiness and I believe that is your life sentence, the time you’re going to serve, your punishment, your karma, and your destiny.  What you’ve done to me has been both and worst and best thing to ever happen to me.  Although I do suffer some sort of consequence or reminder of you every single day, I know that the good parts far outweigh the shitty parts of each day.  Your life is the exact opposite of that, and in some way, that sort of brings me relief and helps me to heal; I know that sounds shallow and bitter and mean, but that’s karma, and those are our destinies.

I hope you never unleash your abuse on any other person, ever, but if you unfortunately do, know that you’re weak, you’re a very small, petty boy, and abusing others doesn’t make you a bigger man – so, is it worth it?

I used to think you had potential to be better, even after the abuse, and I sometimes think about the fun, happy times we shared, but I know that’s not the real you, and the thought of you having any potential to be better to someone else quickly fades because of your own choices and actions within the last 10 years.

I don’t wish you anything; I don’t wish you the best, and I don’t wish you the worst.  I really only wish you whatever your own karma brings you.  I dream of the days that I’m no longer haunted by you and all the abuse and all the repercussions that I now have to deal with because of you – I DREAM of those days because then I know my soul can finally be free.

I don’t hate you.  I don’t like you either.  I feel nothing.

I don’t want to live my life with anger inside of me and some days it’s a little harder than others, but my husband is nothing like you, and he makes every single moment worth it.  If I didn’t go through what you put me through, I may not have ever met my husband.  I’m not thanking you for what you did, because what you’ve done is shitty, and stupid, but the path that has led me to my husband involves you, but that’s all there is, there’s nothing to thank you for.  I’ve proven to myself how strong I am, how strong I can be, and just how worthy of love I am, and it sucks that I really can’t say the same for you.

– A

 

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